ShitBlasters.com - Movie news, reviews, and shit.

THIS JUST IN: The Avengers is an average film

Mon, 14 May 2012 20:26:00 -0400

Despite making one gazillionfuckbutts in revenue at the box office and earning glowing reviews from everyone in the world. A shocking fact has surfaced.

The Avengers is an average film.

I know! I know! I thought that sounded like crazy talk too! But, a CNN galloping poll JUST CONFIRMED SCIENTIFICALLY that it’s “got it’s moments”, but ultimately doesn’t add up to a hill of beans. This study also said that: Mark R. (I’m too lazy to look up how to spell his name) playing the Hulk was the best part and that most people would rather watch 10 minutes of all his bits and take a dump and call it a night.

Also, I love comedy! I love it so much! I just love laughing. But, when every single person is a wise-cracking broham (even the villain), it’s no longer fun for me. Am I crazy? I dunno. I just didn’t give a shit about this movie.

I know! I know! I’m old and out of touch! (and fat and ugly!) I only saw Iron Man and could give ten shits less about the other movies leading up to this…BUT—

BUT—-

If everyones going to jump on motherfuckers for saying, “Well, I thought it was flawed”, then ya’ll need to check yourself BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.

AND HEY DICK NUTS. IF YOU LOVED THE FILM. AWESOME. ITS AWESOME TO FUCKING LOVE A MOVIE! I JERK OFF TO ALL SORTS OF THEM ON THE REG. BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE TO EAT SHIT AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE 2ND CLASS CITIZENS BECAUSE THEY DIDNT LIKE THE AVENGERS> SERIOUSLY EAT MY DICK

I mean, this perfectly valid, thoughtful review is just getting hammered by geekazoids who want everyone to like the things they like. C’mon bros. Get your shit together.

But, yknow what? EVERYTHINGS FUCKED. Because these movies will just keep getting made and critics will be bullied into going with the flow. And yknow what?

Fuck!

FUCK!!! FUCK IT!!! FUCK IT!!!!

Sincerely,

Frankie Starbuzz

YO SOPA! You think I’m gonna go blacked out on Wednesday...

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 23:59:00 -0500

YO SOPA!

You think I’m gonna go blacked out on Wednesday cause you’re a dickhead? Well guess what? My protest is that Shitblasters.com WILL REMAIN ONLINE AND UNBLACK!
That’s right, bitches!

While all these sites close down, Shitblasters.com will remain!

WE ARE A BEACON IN THE NIGHT!

(And on the downlow: We hope to overtake all the sites on the internet! WHILE THEY ALL BE HIGH AND MIGHTY, WE’RE GONNA SCROUNGE AROUND IN THE SEWER AND KEEP OUR LIGHTS ON. Come Thursday WE WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE SITE IN AMERICA)

WE ARE THE NUMBER ONE SITE IN AMERICA

GOD BLESS AMERICA

AND GOD BLESS SHITBLASTERS.COM

-Franklin Starbuzz

Men in Black 3 new Poster art, remixed by Franklin Starbuzz.

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:53:00 -0500

Men in Black 3 new Poster art, remixed by Franklin Starbuzz.

The CG work in the new Green Lantern trailer is out of this...

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 16:23:00 -0500

The CG work in the new Green Lantern trailer is out of this world, dudes.

And by out of this world I mean it looks like total dog shit that I could make in 3D Studio Max 1.3 beta with my dick tied to both of my hands.

Blind-folded.

-Frankie

PS. CG means computer graphics. For those who need to recognize.

EXCLUSIVE!!! FACEBOOK FOUNDER, MARK ZUCKERBERG KICKS FACEBOOK...

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 17:21:25 -0400

EXCLUSIVE!!! FACEBOOK FOUNDER, MARK ZUCKERBERG KICKS FACEBOOK OFFLINE BECAUSE OF “THE SOCIAL NETWORK” MOVIE!!!!

Facebook was down for many users for the second day in a row today prompting people around the nation to be like, “what the fuck? What the FUCK am I supposed to do with my fucking life?”

People close to Mark Zuckerberg, founder of facebook, have recently said that:

“Mark is really shitting bricks over this new facebook movie. He donated like 100 million dollars to some schools in NJ. That’s how bad he’s shitting bricks. Anyways, he just came up to us the other day and was like: ‘I’m deleting facebook’. We were all shocked. But, apparently he wants that new facebook movie to un-exist and for the director, David Fincher to give him a blowjob via ustream.com”

Wow!

Those are fighting words.

Which leads us to prompt the question(s):

Will David Fincher give Zuckerberg a blowjob?
Will the studios un-release The Social Network?

Let’s hope David knows how to suck a dick! We, as a nation, ARE DEPENDING ON IT!

- Frankie Starbuzz

Friend us on facebook before it’s too late.

Earlier this summer, a few movie blogs were upset over Armond...

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 12:05:00 -0400

Earlier this summer, a few movie blogs were upset over Armond White’s negative review of Toy Story 3.

That review was “significant” because it vanquished the film’s perfect 100% rating on RottenTomatoes.com.

But, tell me, dear readers: Do you honestly think that Toy Story 3 is a flawless movie?

Do you HONESTLY think a flawless movie exists?

That a movie can be 100% to everyone?

Everywhere?

In the world?

If you do, you’re a fucking idiot. So what, he didn’t dig Toy Story 3?! Maybe he’s someone who doesn’t automatically suck Pixar’s dick every time one of their films come out. (Sorry Oscars, but “UP” was tonally all over the place and uneven and in no way stronger than “Fantastic Mr. Fox” or “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”.)

But, this isn’t about Pixar. This is about “The Social Network.”

For a little while, “The Social Network” had that coveted 100% rating on RottenTomatoes.com. And true to form: Armond recently derailed it.

And the FanBoy community was clamoring for it! Will he do it? Will he “screw this up”? And when he did…it was like letting loose the hounds! They all couldn’t wait to crucify the guy.

Now…Hold on…

Do I think Armond is peculiar? Yes. His brain works in ways I don’t completely understand sometimes. But, whether you like it or not: the dude’s smart and well versed in film. And if you heard him on the slashfilm.com podcast, you saw him manhandle the young hosts. (We all know how I felt about Inception…)

The thing that bothers me more than Armond is the fan boy mentality of “getting a 100%!” This isn’t a video game. Everyone who witnesses “The Social Network” retain a 100% doesn’t receive a prize. So, why does everyone care so much?

And as much as fan boys want to believe they’re doing good for the film industry by “rallying around” certain films, they’re actually crippling it. By encouraging this snowball effect, they’re actually limiting legitimate critical thought and discouraging what we all love to do: TALK ABOUT FILM. I’m sure there are flaws in this movie. I’m sure one reviewer might actually point them out. But, no matter how intelligent that point may be. A fan boy will instantly jump down their throat.

“LIKE WHAT I LIKE. WE WANT IT TO BE 100%! ONE OF US, ONE OF US!”

And you know what, fuck you, you entitled piece of shit.

Everyone has an opinion. And instead of badgering those who do, why don’t you join the dialogue and discussion?

I hope to Christ “The Social Network” is the movie everyone saying it is. I want to see great movies. I live for that shit! I would love this movie to rock my fucking world. I’d love for my dick to get rail hard.

But, if it doesn’t.

If it doesn’t get me shooting loads into the guy’s popcorn in front of me.

Well, y’know what?

I think it’s okay to say that it didn’t.

And I refuse to be persecuted for it.

This is Frankie Starbuzz.

And all you movie blog motherfuckers are on notice.

Frankie tells all.

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 13:35:00 -0400

I haven’t reviewed a movie in a while. Sometimes I think this movie blog defines me as a person….Like…if I’m not reviewing movies and making the phattest blog on the blogosphere…then, I think to myself…well, what am I really doing with my life?

DOES MY WORK DEFINE ME AS A PERSON?

DOES IT?

WHO AM I REALLY?

AM I JUST THE SUM OF MY PHAT MOVIE REVIEWS?

Am I having an existential crisis right now?

NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!

MY NAME IS FRANKIE STARBUZZ AND I RUN THE BEST SITE IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

YEAH I HAVENT WRITTEN A REVIEW IN A WHILE. SO WHAT? FUCK YOU ASSHOLES! I DONT NEED TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU!

…

…

Shit. I better write a movie review soon. Or else I’m toast.

Fuck me,
Frankie Starbuzz

MY SCOTT PILGRIM REVIEW HAS BEEN ENCODED INTO SOMEONE ELSES...

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 23:21:28 -0400

MY SCOTT PILGRIM REVIEW HAS BEEN ENCODED INTO SOMEONE ELSES STATUS MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK. I HAVE COPIED IT FROM MY COMPUTER MONITOR AND PASTED IT HERE FOR YOUR EYEBALLS.

0-frankie

Sylvestor Stallone is officially on twitter today. I figured...

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:28:27 -0400

Sylvestor Stallone is officially on twitter today. I figured I’d make him feel welcome.

@shitblasters, bitches.

-Frankie

Blockbuster to go out of business - says every one on the internet

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 03:11:00 -0400

I usually go to a regular ol mom and pop rental place to get my movies.

Once in a blue moon, I’ll have to go to a blockbuster. Where the selection is shit and the rentals are so fucking overpriced!!!!!!!

GOOD RIDDANCE YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT!

FUCK YOU AND YOUR OVERPRICED FUCKS!

I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU!!!

I AM SO

SO
ANGRY!!!!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKERS

all of you!!!!!!

-Frankie Starbuzz

Netflix Streaming Comes to Iphone…FINALLY! Ever wish you...

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 02:58:00 -0400

Netflix Streaming Comes to Iphone…FINALLY!

Ever wish you could watch your favorite, brillaintly composed film…on a fucking 4 inch screen? Streamed from AT&T’s shitty 3G service?

You did?

Well, guess what asshole! Not only can your iphone NOT MAKE A FUCKING PHONE CALL. It also can ruin your favorite feature films!!!

Eat a fucking dick, filmmakers!

-Frankie Starbuzz

Dear Film Industry,

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 13:05:56 -0400

Can one of you motherfuckers make a movie that I want to see this summer?

Thanks bros,

Frankie Starbuzz

my mom just called me.

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:56:00 -0400

She said I curse too much on my blog.

So, I’m going to turn a new leaf here and never curse again.

I, like many stand up comedians I’ve read about, think working “blue” is the easy way out. Sure, I could curse every time I don’t care for a movie. But, it’s way too easy.

I should read more dictionarys and come up with words that are not used a lot.

I should do that instead of using simple, crude words to define my intellectual viewpoint of a particular piece of art.

SIKE.

FUCK YOU, MOM.

I WILL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT»> I RUN A MOVIE REVIEW SITE»>AND I AM A FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!

-Frankie Starbuzz

WHY DOESNT ANYONE SEE HOW BRILLIANT I AM????

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 01:21:00 -0400

I am the best entertainment journalist ever in the history of fucking mankind. When I read slashfilm.com and eharmony.com’s blogs. I’m like: YOU GUYS DON’T FUCKING KNOW SHIT!! I AM THE MASTER OF THIS ART FORM!

then i weep.

I openly weep after I read someone else’s blog.

because I’m like —- how are they so popular?

HOW?

WHEN I AM THE BEST?

IM THE FUCKING BEST!

I WILL OUT WRITE YOU ANY DAY YOU FUCKS!
GOD DAMN IT!

RESPECT ME!

I AM FRANKIE STARBUZZ!
HERE ME ROAR!

-Frankie.

SHITBLASTERS.COM IS GOING TO COMIC CON!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys are...

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 19:18:00 -0400

SHITBLASTERS.COM IS GOING TO COMIC CON!!!!!!!!!!!!

You guys are going to seriously cream in your pants when you see some of the coverage we have planned for you. I just saw a preview of a few booths and man, these booths are seriously BEYOND COMPREHENSION. I HAVE NEVER SEEN BOOTHS LIKE THIS.

So, Frankie: WHAT DO YOU GUYS HAVE PLANNED?

We’re going to take a look at pieces of shit THOR and CAPTAIN AMERICA at Comic Con! Then after that, we’re going to shit in our pants for a year hypothesizing over every image that those fuckfaces release to us!

Then, when they take a big dump on our faces next year, we’re gonna eat every morsal!

FUCK US!
FUCK US ALL!!!!!!

<3
Frankie Starbuzz

Sometimes - A poem by Frankie Starbuzz, entertainment journalist

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 20:06:00 -0400

Sometimes I feel so alone,

like I’m the only movie reviewer in the blogosphere,

that gives a fuck,

about shit.

Sometimes I want to cry,

because I don’t know why I’m on this earth,

except for the fact that I have the illest website since Cnn.com.

Sometimes I want to,

know the truth,

like why I can’t get laid.

and why Inception is so overrated.

Sometimes.

(fuck you.)

- By Frankie Starbuzz.

WILL EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT INCEPTION BEING A...

Sat, 17 Jul 2010 21:58:00 -0400

WILL EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT INCEPTION BEING A MASTERPIECE? EVERYONE SHOULD JUST SUCK MY DICK!!!!!!!!!

Hey jerkbutts. Frankie Starbuzz here. Listen, I liked the Dark Knight. In fact, I would have put the Dark Knight’s penis literally inside of me. So, I was totally excited for Inception. I GET IT BROS. I GET THE EXCITEMENT.

CUT TO: 1 hour in and I’m all like WHAAAAAAAT?

They shoulda named this movie EXPOSITION. Cause thats all that was fucking getting thrown at me for the first hour. AND IF YOU DONT KNOW WHAT EXPOSITION IS, LOOK IT UP ON DICTIONARY.COM YOU MOTHERFUCKERS»»>

ANYWAYS

So, I’m like…okay…fuck…I’m in it to win it…shit’s gonna get real soon, don’t worry about that bullshit hour.

OH AND THEN THERES ELLEN PAGE - and yo, that girl looked LOST in this movie, sons! She was all like, yooooooooo let me be in this movie and Nolan was like “AIGHT - let me give you this thankless part just so I have someone to help fuel the plot along.”

BUT WHATEVS.

So, anyways, there was one TIGHT phat sequence where that Levitt dude fights a dude in 0 gravity. That shit was off the chains. I was ready to start jerking off LITERALLY when that started happening and to be frank, I would have if it were allowed.

BUT, then it was all like YOOOOO HERES A VAN FALLING OUT OF THE SKY FOR 20000 YEARS and now lets keep cutting to a dream inside a dream inside a dream inside a FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!

also that girl in the movie, the love interest? I wish i gave a fuck about that whole thing. and i wish Leo stopped taking parts where all he has to do is switch into one mode. “YO IM FUCKING GUILTY ABOUT SHIT AND TORTURED” cause that shit got old quick.

also everyone was talking like they were acting. Like they were talking AT each other. I didn’t believe any of the relationships. and i didnt give a fuck about any of the characters! except levitt, cause that dude is BOMB»>ALSO for being a movie about dreams, where WAS THE CRAZY ASS DREAM SHIT?>????

HUH?!??!?! OH WAIT WE’RE IN TEH FUCKING SNOW AND FUCKFACES ARE SHOOTING AT US? We look like we’re from some rejected Gi-Joe Sequence, fuck that!

LISTEN. I AM TIRED OF YOU MOTEHRFUCKERS PROCLAIMING THIS IS SOME DAVID LYNCH KUBRIKIAN VISIONARY SHIT. IT AINT! Its a good movie. Its an ambitious movie and I admire it for that and some of it’s sequences. But to say this shit is the best movie ever made. (wait did you fuck faces say that about a batman movie too?) then well you gusy can seriously go fuck yourselves.

(and listen bros, if it wasnt for the fact that everyone is sucking this movies dick…i really wouldnt care…if motherfuckers were like “yeah inception was pretty good, it was a solid movie” id be like PHAT! we can all get along, but when you guys start dropping “KUBRICK” and “best film ever made” —-welllllllll FUCK THAT SHIT YOU FUCKS)

In conclusion: fuck everything.

Sincerely,

Frankie Starbuzz

I wish Avatar would eat 10 dicks already.

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 06:44:05 -0400

Seriously bros? According to CNN, Avatar sold “43231 trillion copies”. Shattering all earth day records of all time.

Honestly, I’m tired of Avatar breaking records. I kind of wish it just ate 10 dicks already.

-Frankie

Fuck. I forgot to be an entertainment journalist.

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 13:25:00 -0400

I smoked too much weed with MGMT at SXSW that I forgot to watch any movies or do any reviews of them. Whoops!

- Frankie

SUCK MY DICK! I'm going to SXSW!

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:16:00 -0500

Expect coverage that will flip Slashfilm.com’s fucking lid, bros!!!!!!

PS. I got my own facebook page too, sucka MCS!

BE MY FRIEND!!

http://www.facebook.com/frankiestarbuzz

- Frankie